I'm on a seafood diet now- I see food, I EAT IT! :D!

.Tuesday, November 9, 2010 ?

i remember in p5 when i was a slacker and never really achieved anything because i never ever worked hard and i got into the fps finals i was so excited and prepared quite a bit for it. and then something complicated happened in australia, enough to rock the entire team's emotions, and so we were affected greatly and consequentially lost the chance to go to USA. i can still recall the way we cried for ages in the bathroom because we knew how this was such a rare chance, and we just.. blew it, because we let our emotions get the better of us. when i got back to singapore i cried some more because i let our only chance slip away, and the only thing my father did was to shout at me to shut up and tell me how stupid i was to cry over spilt milk.

when i got back my chinese eoy results, and cried again at home because of the A1 i knew i'd never be able to get for my overall result (even though i didn't try hard for chinese), my parents scolded me for not being able to better control my emotions, and laughed at the fact that i was crying over an A2, because they never ever listened, and didn't know that that A1 really meant so much more to me than just a grade.

after shika showcase A, when everyone was so happpy to have achieved so much for shika, when everyone was hugging each other and crying in happiness, when everyone was thanking each other and subconsciously reaffirming the fact that the bonds in 213 would always be strong, my parents scolded me because they felt shika was a waste of time, and that all the other showcases weren't meaningful or even worth watching.

i get parents who attempt to spy on what i'm doing on my computer and lecture me about using appropriate language when they see ONE inappropriate word on my screen that wasn't even typed by me, when my father called me a b____ once because i was "rude":

Father: Do you want to walk up to the carpark?
(it was raining and i heard it as "Should we walk up to the carpark?")
Me: Isn't the car there?

considering that he uses "bullshit" on me fairly often and has, on many occasions, used the f word, as well as done other things which i don't wish to mention, i think i'm very rude. Indeed.

my father's getting forgetful so he keeps forgetting to do stuff like push back some seatbelt thing at the back of his car- when it constantly bangs on the back seat and makes this irritating noise while the car's moving, i'm the one who gets scolded for being "irresponsible and not observant" when he ignores my persistent reminders before he starts the car to push the seatbelt thingy back. have i failed to mention the convenience of pushing the blame onto me, since my father never wants to admit he's wrong, plus the fact that he finds it difficult to communicate to my brother while his HANDS're on the wheel?

my mother eavesdrops on my every single phone conversation, and starts getting suspicious when i talk on the phone for more than 10 minutes. my mother currently thinks i am involved in a BGR, because after talking to weijin for half an hour on the phone, she hears "my friends said you very shuai! (referring to GIRL/BOY=1)". And then she storms into my room, and demands i hang up.

and now i can't even go to lishuen's house to celebrate my own birthday because my parents don't trust me enough and feel that i'm being given far too much freedom, my foot. and my father forgot to buy tickets to universal studios, and instead wants to go to the sands to take pictures.

it's that sinking feeling you get when you suddenly remember what some people and random hallmark cards're always telling you: "dearest parents! you're my pillars of support! thank you for always being there!" and you know it's supposed to be true in one way or another, but you just can't figure out how, when you feel like more than half of time you can hardly count on your parents to give you support- or even be there to listen. especially when they've scolded you "so many times over the same thing-- listen to your brother when he wants to talk about supercentenarians! you know your mother and i have no time to listen to him! and he keeps repeating- we don't have the patience! he needs someone to listen to him! you have the patience! GO LISTEN!"

"Please. Empathise with me. I've got so many audit files to clear every day. Work's much more stressful than your school. Take some time to ask me how was my day. Listen to me." (which i actually do every single day, except, by the way, my question's more often than not ignored because my dad wants to watch some show)

"有没有听到啊？记得要提醒我去拿那个信啊！很重要！不要忘记！喂！有没有听到我在讲话的？！”

i can't count how many times i've lied to them that there's nothing wrong at all because i don't want them to get worried, or even angry. i just wish there was some remote person in my family who'd listen to me sometimes.

so tomorrow, i shall spend nearly the entire day doing something i don't want to do- taking pictures at the sands, and then allow that sinking feeling to.. sink in.

who cares if it's my birthday, anyway.

@3:59 AM